I am finding myself often occupying what I have termed in my head "the in between" these days. The in between is that place where I feel good enough to want to be doing something but not good enough to go back to my life before cancer. It's a restless place to be.
On a day-to-day basis this translates into trying to find activities to fill my time. Seeing friends, therapy, massages, yoga, and some television. It's amazing how you can stretch out a trip to the grocery store! I used to think there were not enough hours in the day, now I wonder how I will spend so many of them.
As I think about it, this in between isn't just something that applies to my day-to-day, but also to the season of life I find myself experiencing at the moment. Real or perceived, I feel very much like I am in the middle of something, but not actually anywhere. Professionally things are stalled. Medically I am undergoing treatment but we don't know which way that will go. Emotionally I seem to be doing alright, but some days I do feel a bit numb to the reality of my situation. It all just seems to be in limbo.
We were at an event last weekend with friends our age. Most are raising children. All are pursuing their careers. I found myself leaving the event happy that I had the energy to go and to catch up with old friends. I was also jealous and sad. They are normal people in their late 30's doing the things I wish I could still do (including having a glass of wine). I guess it's fair to say I am grieving the life I had and the life I wish I could still have.
On the flip side, it isn't so terrible to ask yourself what you really want to do when confronted with a blank page. Frankly I have never, ever done that. I have allowed so much of my existence and my self worth to be defined by my work that, now in the absence of work, I sometimes think of myself as a pretty boring person. Maybe this season will cure me of that, give me some interests other than work. It also isn't terrible to feel the limitations that exist, mostly physical. To be limited by my energy level is something new for me. These are challenges in life that, like the others, I will get through. I have no other choice. Sometimes to get where want to go you have to go in between.