Chemo starts on Thursday. There is no escaping it.
I am scared. Scared of losing my hair. Of feeling nauseated all the time. Of not feeling anything in my fingers and toes (this is apparently a side effect). Of going back to being exhausted.
I wasn't afraid of immunotherapy. Chemo is different. I have an image, a preconception of what chemo will be like and it's not too pleasant. This is probably a direct result of having watched way too many movies and television series that depict the suffering I have come to associate with this treatment. I had no idea what to expect with immunotherapy, so really there was nothing to fear. The truth is immunotherapy was not a great experience given all the side effects I endured. How much worse could chemo really be?
This fear is something new. I am not a person who is afraid of much in life, so the feeling of dread is unfamiliar. I try not to live in fear. I don't like it. Fear causes bad decision making. Fear leads to paralysis. Fear robs me of joy. Fear is a prison.
So, I won't let fear keep me from going through with the treatment. Of course I will do it. I know it's the right next step in my treatment path. But man do I wish it weren't.