The new year is here and for many of us that means resolutions. I dread resolutions but make them anyway. This is probably because I usually lack the willpower to live the "balanced" life that is always at the top of my list. That resolution went something like this:
Whereas I am busy ...
Therefore, let it be resolved that I will somehow become less busy but do more this year, without really trying.
At least it has been this way my entire adult life, until 2016 ... my resolution this year (besides the one to beat cancer) is more like:
Whereas I am bored ...
Therefore, let it be resolved that I find something to keep me busy, but only busy when I want to be and when I feel good.
Perhaps both are equally unrealistic in their own ridiculous ways ... but that's what resolutions are for, right?!
The life I used to lead was rushed and frantic. Always running from work to a social event to an airplane. I was frequently commenting on how busy and tired I was all the time. There seemed to be nothing that could slow me down -- well, almost nothing.
The life I lead today is slow, filled only with a daily walk, weekly visits to the doctor, the occasional blog post and sometimes visits from friends. In fact, the other day I actually googled an article on what to do when you are bored. No joke.
I have to be honest. There are days I miss working, miss having a built in purpose, so much it makes me cry. But the truth is that most of the time I don't mind the quiet life all that much. For those of you who know me well from my pre-cancer days this might come as a shock. The reality is that cancer or no cancer, I was ready for a break anyway.
In fact, I was planning on taking this break from working way before I learned I had cancer growing like a weed in my body. While I was working I was also dreaming of taking a break I wondered what I would do. I wondered how I would explain to people why I decided to take some time off (because I thought I would need to explain it in a way that didn't make it sound like I got fired or am lazy or lack direction). I never wondered, however, if I would be facing the toughest challenge of my life during what was supposed to be my six months of zen. That came as a bit of a shocker.
After five months of lacking the busy and the structure that used to dictate my every move, I am getting used to formless days that come together one moment at a time. But, I am also, as my 2016 resolution might suggest, getting a bit restless. I need to add something into my routine that gives my days purpose beyond nursing my taxed body. I am lucky to feel well enough to have this problem, two months ago I was feeling so sick I couldn't think of doing much but binge-watching Gilmore Girls.
So, I am thinking writing might be one place to start. More blogs, but perhaps something beyond that. Opeds? I do have a lot of opinions about a lot of things. A book? Maybe, but I need a better thesis or idea before I go down that road. Short essays on topics of interest? That could be a lot of fun. Not sure if anyone would read it, but it could be a good way to give some purpose to my days, to my new life.
But what else? Reading is fine, but not actively engaging enough. I love my strolls along the ocean, but those are for me, they don't really contribute anything to society. Whatever I do I want to make sure it is something that gets me off the couch and makes a difference to someone else. I could volunteer somewhere, but am not sure my energy levels will allow me to be too consistent with something like that.
As you can see I have a mostly blank sheet of paper in front of me. Any ideas? For once I would like to make my resolution more than just words!